welcome to the end.

"we had a little love once but now it's in danger, we got a little lost, babe but that's human nature. now it's too late to save us, oh, 'cause now she's a stranger"

"hey," I look at the text and laughed a little. I want to reply, I also want to just ignore you altogether. I miss you but I don't think I'm going to tell you that anymore. You have this power over me which I don't want you to have. I just want things to go back to normal. I think I've had some sudden shifts in my life. There's this metaphor that I can't remember but it sort of translates to "go too fast and everything short circuits" which makes a lot of sense to me and is something I believe in.

I got close to someone really fast, things were at 10x speed than anything I would with any other person, and now I feel like we're short-circuiting, and it breaks my heart a little, it's something I still do not know how to deal with. I really don't want to sound bitter, I want to be able to write happy things but I just cannot bring myself too and I really hope I can soon, I really hope I can figure out things before next year, I just don't want to take any baggage with me. I want a fresh start regardless.

It is very hard to fit positivity into a mind so hellbent on self-destruction. Some days it feels like I've been trapped in an alley, shouting into a void, hoping something happens until I wallow in self-pity and sadness. So I make myself so small that the hurt within me turns into a blip in time. Something I learned this year was love. We can only survive because of love, we need to love and we crave to be loved. So maybe I'll love till my heart cannot contain it anymore in hopes that I feel a percent of that love back.

it's 11:!4 as I started writing this. the last few weeks have been exhausting and I really just want to not feel this way. I went and convinced my parents to buy a Christmas tree just because I thought it might shoot some dopamine or serotonin ( I looked it up either is fine) and to a certain extent, it did for maybe about 10 minutes? I really want to sleep but I have this void inside me that won't let me.

Lately, things have not been terrible physically, everything seems pretty decent but emotionally, let's just say I've been a wreck, to say the least. This year is almost over and it's not been my worst year. I've had some of my highest highs, and some of my lowest lows. It's been hard, extremely, rough but we got here. At around the same time last year, I wrote this post about how much change this year would bring and well I wasn't wrong, completely. I just meant a different sort of change.

I'm kind of a mess, I think I was in a much better place at the start of this year than I am now and there are quite a few factors that come into that account. I think emotionally this year has been extremely challenging, I crossed boundaries I had, I let myself do things I usually never would all in the hopes of some emotions. A very fleeting thing, that can change at any given moment and nobody can control that but it stings when it happens.

I've also learned people say a lot of things but don't do a lot of it. I do that too, I've been telling myself I'll make brownies for myself for days but just cannot seem to find the energy. The few people I do want to talk to are extremely busy, so that sucks. Though whatever, if there's something I've learned, is whatever happens in life we can get through it, no matter how much you feel like the world is ending in the moment, we can get through it. All you need to do is survive and I guess with time, we'll be okay. Hopefully.

It's 00:00 as I write this line, so let me just say Merry Christmas. I hope you have a lovely day, filled with some sort of love, maybe some hot chocolate. I hope you stay safe and please hug the people around you, you deserve one.

treat people with kindness

all the love,

k.c