I can’t wait to go home

I don’t think I’ve ever felt truly at home (being with my friends is an exception) I think I’m always seeking comfort. A quiet moment of comfort or a pocket of happiness as my therapist used to call it.

There’s been this quote that’s always had a special place in my heart from the Bible, Matthew 7:7, “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye. shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you” maybe it’s why I can’t stop. I can’t stop and I think it’s killing me. It’s a lot like knowing you need to do something or get something but knowing it won’t end well for you.

A lot like Iron Man I suppose. He knew what he had to do and it killed him. But I guess I’m not iron man and the only person I could possibly try and save is myself at the cost of what? myself?

The concept of death has always been extremely comforting to me. The idea of just being at peace, no more chores, no more lectures, no more checking in with others. I could just float around like a cloud or lay on one and there would be no consequences. I could sleep in, I could rest, I could love. There would be no pain, no hurt, just a sliver of kindness in exchange for an unkind life. The idea of death soothes me when I can't sleep, I think about dying and I can rest.

When I look at a clear sky I think of drowning in it, when I say this to people most people point out that drowning requires water. Though maybe drowning doesn't need water at all. I think drowning is just being surrounded by anything, but you can feel your chest tighten up and the thoughts of a mind under submersion start suffocating you. The suffocation makes you realise that you don't need water to drown, you just need an escape.

I don't know what my point here is, there isn't one truly, I just feel exhausted and stuck in a never-ending cycle where I can't rest, I can't breathe. Eyes forward, constantly doing something. I need to run, the clouds don't sound so bad, maybe I can reach there. Maybe I'll finally be at home.

Here's a reminder to hug the people around you and just remind yourself you're loved. A reminder to rest, to be kind to someone (yourself). Sending you all the love there is and more.

all the love,

almas x