The Tomato Theory

As is tradition, I fall sick when I get a break from my educational institute and it happens again. It's been roughly a week and I think I'm in some loop. I'm stuck and I'm not sure how to proceed. Every few weeks I think I need to relearn how to live, how to be me. Who am I without everyone around me?

For instance, I met someone, they're a lot like warm-toned skies and rediscovering forgotten polaroids with friends and when I talk to them I feel a little bit like me and it leaves me wondering how long until I lose them too. Before I lose this version of me. It is extremely difficult to constantly remind myself that people we love come and go but that doesn't mean we loved them any less or that the love was not real. It's so difficult to walk away from people who you thought were going to stick around. There's so much hurt and I'm really struggling to make it sound pretty. "'Nothing ever ends poetically. It ends and we turn it into poetry. All that blood was never once beautiful. It was red."

I'm trying to survive your absence like a house that burnt down and was forgotten about. I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, please don't forget about me.

The tomato theory might propose that evading one's destiny is unlikely, and in some manner, individuals consistently arrive at their intended destination, with their circumstances somehow aligning harmoniously with them.

I hope we all end up where we want to, but even if we don't I hope we end up where we deserve. More than wishing for good things, I wish for deserving things.

I've not written in a while but my heart feels like it'll give out if I don't, it hurts so much and I don't know why or how much heartache one can keep between their lungs. But there is a barrier between my head and my heart that keeps words from forming and it is so overwhelming. There is a stillness, time feels frozen and I cannot move. I feel like I'm watching myself from the outside. All my thoughts and feelings in a glass box and somehow I've lost the key. I'm trying to find it. I'm trying to find control again.

Maybe I am an unstrung balloon floating through time.

I don't know how to end this but tomorrow will be better, I think the goal is to just show up, be brave and kind and try and be there. be here the way I would if someone I loved was struggling. I'll figure it out, I always do, I just needed a moment to actualise my feelings. No feeling is permanent, everything is fleeting. I hope something kind happens to you.

all the love,

until the next time,

almas xx