bangalore is lonely series pt.1

It’s 11:44 (it's a pretty sequence) as I start typing this, lately, life has felt a little alone. Alone and lonely are such trivial words for how I really feel but right now for a lack of better words let’s stick to that. I’m not sure where these feelings stem from, my life for once seems to be going along with what I envision for myself.

I think I have a little glass bottle of happiness. I have to spend it wisely and sometimes I spend it all together and have nothing left until my next refill which makes things a little bit harder. I think this glass bottle dropped last week and I spent all my happy on arcade tickets, overpriced food, and heart-stopping eye contact. I’m not complaining, every bit of it was worth the happy. Happiness is almost a currency to me.

It’s just now there’s nothing left and I don’t know where to restock my happy from.

I think my heart and my mind are in two very different places. I have everything I could want as of now but there’s this feeling. It sounds vain and delusional but it’s there, the void.

What is it that I’m looking for? Love? Courage? Hope? Success? Understanding? Company?

I need to find a way don’t I? I’ve been trying to figure out where my mind is but everything I do these days feels like an alternative. It feels like there’s something bigger and bolder I should be chasing but I can’t seem to know what it is.

Sometimes my dreams feel bigger than I do. Sometimes I try to hide from myself. Lock my feelings up in a box and swallow the key so I can’t open it again. I want to explain, even in my dreams, I am tired. I'm drowning in a wave I cannot seem to fathom. Love doesn't fix. If I found love right now I'd run it straight into the ground, how do you run from something you cannot see?

My heart and my mind are in two very different places. I think a part of me likes torturing myself. That part of me is filled with anger, anger about everything that nobody was ever angry about. The other part of me is kind. Kinder than I’ll ever actually be and sometimes breathing hurts even when the world doesn’t.

A simple solution to my modern loneliness is getting in touch with people. I’m a simple person, I know I should do this, every reason around me is screaming at me to do it, why am I not able to? why can’t I bring myself to? why can’t I?

I think maybe my problem altogether is not this, but right now I’m a little too in my head to think about it. It’s past 12, I don’t trust anything my brain tells me after 12. My brain habitually makes things hurt a little more after midnight.

Maybe, maybe a cup of hot chocolate, a hug, a pretty sunset, and the quiet moon, won’t fix things but it definitely makes things a little more tolerable. I think it’ll help tide me over tomorrow, the sun will rise and I’ll try again.

Sometimes things get hurt more before they get better, yes this is doctor approved, my physiotherapist said this. I think, I hope, I know it’s true, it has to be.

Okay, that’s enough for tonight. I’ll see you at my next lonely night rant or maybe I’ll tell you about happier things, like romance novels and pretty people and shiny things.

I think I'm going to promise my 12-year-old something today, I'm going to be the person I needed when I was 12. I'll be the person who would've saved me then. I think sometimes, the world is beautiful and people surprise you.

So if you've reached here, today's a good day to tell someone you love them. Be gentle to the people who are gentle to you.

Until the next time lovelies,

all the love,

almas