things I've learned in 2020

hi, good morning, have a sip of water, I hope you're feeling well as I write this I am terribly sleepy.

At the beginning of this year, I started making a list titled good things that happened to me this year. The list contains around 35 things on it, a bunch of them just small romanticised things, I made a new friend and I literally put that on there, I had nice food and it was on there. Just something I did, every time something remotely good happened I noted it down. I was going through it right before I started typing this and it made me smile a little.

This year started off great, in fact, it was great until a couple of months ago, but nevertheless, we are not here to whine.

1. Being able to be on your own is one of the most beautiful things you can do. You do not need someone to make you happy. It is the most powerful thing you can do. I know some people who literally struggle to be on their own, it breaks my heart because being content with yourself is extremely required. It's one of the first steps to truly loving yourself. I forgot that for a bit but not anymore.

2. It takes time. It takes time to embrace a situation that altered your life. Give yourself time, be patient. I had some significant shifts, I tried rushing myself through the process of leaving things, it doesn't work, you need to give yourself time. You'll feel frustrated that it's taking so long to get accustomed to this new way but it will eventually be okay. We'll be okay.

3. We have time. We don't actually have as we think we do. Whatever we want to do we must do it now. You may not feel prepared but you can never 100% prepare for a situation. Sometimes you just need to go ahead and do things.

4. People say a lot of things, that does not mean they will always follow through. I'm not saying do not trust people by all means do but while doing so make sure they deserve your trust. Some people do not deserve it, no matter how much you want them to, whereas some people deserve so much more than you could ever give them, but it is for you to decide. You need to make a choice, set a limit. Keep your expectations low, and please put yourself first, do not settle. Let them say things if they follow through well I'm happy for you if they don't, that is not on you. They're not giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time, people treat you the way they feel about themselves. I need to be more understanding and patient.

5. Sometimes change is everything. For me change takes very long, I'm not someone who loves sudden change but this year said nope. I literally had someone being there all the time to suddenly not being there anymore, to me it was sudden, and I expected myself to suddenly just be okay with it, I'm still trying to get used to it. Change doesn't happen overnight it takes time, allow it the time.

6. Do not apologise for asking for better, you deserve to have everything you think you deserve. know your worth. Do not apologise for not being more understanding when they haven't communicated properly to you. You cannot read minds. You can read actions and you did what you saw, that is okay. Only apologise if you truly feel like you were wrong, do not put yourself down for someone else.

7. You've been at your worst before, or that's what you thought then you survived. You can survive again, you can do this. You're not alone as much as you feel that way, you always have someone, just look around and ask for them, they'll come through for you.

8. Stop chasing things, people. Stop begging for things, leave things that no longer serve you a purpose. You are allowed to leave. You should never have to beg anyone for anything, you deserve better, so let go. Let go of what happened, look at what you have, stop chasing the best step forward, just take a step forward.

9. You may rationally understand things but give yourself time to emotionally cope with them. Emotions are funny things, they do not work with rationale so give yourself the time to embrace what you understand.

10. Do not push people away. I know it's easier said than done but you cannot survive alone. You need people, appreciate them, tell them you love them, and are thankful for them. You need emotional support and having people is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Let people who want to be there for you, be there. You'll mess up sometimes, own up to it. Sometimes you'll want to punch them but you still want them there trust me. Being alone is never the solution. If people want to be there let them, appreciate them, make time for them, they deserve you being the kindest you can to them and to yourself.

I actually like this, a lot of these things stem from struggles I had. I think a lot of this is stuff people have told me and I found very hard to do but I start every year on a clean slate, it's one of the only things I have consistently done since the last few years and I will do that again this year. I'm allowed to cry, mope, do whatever until the new year, and then I need to pick myself up and do better.

I'm not perfect, in fact I'm pretty messed up and I might have a degree in messing up by now. I need to be better, more patient, more understanding without my emotions clouding me. I need to be better for the people in my life, I need to improve. I need to be the kindest I can be, I need to do better.

There's going to be a lot of stress coming up, exams, applications etc. You need to take care of yourselves. Do not kill yourself over something no matter how much it may feel like that defines who you are. It does not define you, you define yourself. You need to put yourself first. Take the day off if you haven't in a while, clean up if you haven't in a while. Be kinder to yourself, we're all struggling, take a minute and if you need longer you should have it. Take what you need.

I hope this new year brings you everything you deserve, I wish everyone seeing this nothing but good wishes and love. I hope this love is effortless and kind, and even if it takes work I hope everything you desire works out for you. I wish you kindness towards yourself and everyone around you and this is something I plan to follow. I need to be kinder even when I'm caught up in my emotions. Please stay safe, take care of yourselves, mentally and physically.

so like with that,

Happy New Year lovelies!

all the love.

k.c xx