The Handcream Theory

It's been over a year since I was here, and a lot has happened. I know I'm not the same person I was, and neither am I the exact person I want to be but I'm swinging somewhere in between. A balanced middle ground of who I wish to be and who I am. A previous post of mine mentioned Lights up- by Harry Styles as a song that bought me home. I asked myself some questions then

"do I really know who I am? who do I want to be? what do I enjoy? who is it that I love? how do I become someone I will choose no matter the situation? how do I become someone I love?"

I think figuring this out is a process and it's constantly changing. The only constant thing in life really is change, isn't it?

I read too much into things, every little gesture, every glance and graze of intimacy. I find meaning in everything and there may be none. It's nobody's fault I do it, a lot of time the truth is not the same overprocessed strung together piece of fiction but momentarily I'll belive in what I find. Maybe love is everywhere, and others don't look hard enough.

I think lately life has been a bit of an uphill battle, from academics to the relationships in my life. The pressure of choosing what is right and good for you consisted of a checklist for me but like I did say, I have changed, I now trust my feelings towards people. I like that about myself. I like being with people who make me feel that the world is kind and there are people for you.

Recently home has been on my mind, people keep returning home but home is any place I am in. I don't think I belong anywhere and sometimes the sting of having no place to return to feels more like a deep ache than a superficial cut. It's like an injury you got as a child that you never fully recovered from and still hurts so much that sometimes you want to cry. Though home is also people.

Growing up we all have an ever-evolving social circle. Growth does not necessarily have to be bad to good because I had some incredible friends growing up, and the friends I have now? They are my people, at least for now. My perception of the world was shaped by the people I grew up with and my heart will always have a special place for them even if we no longer are who we used to be, I still think about each one of them.

I feel like you reach a stage where you cannot just give, reciprocation is just as important. Love languages are real and understanding what you need, and whether the people around you can give you that along with being able to give the people you love affection in a way that they understand is just as important.

I use different hand creams at different times of the day, I knew I did that, I just didn't know I had someone actually pay enough attention to know that too. People talk so much about putting effort into love but it really is quite simple. Everything in this world revolves around the principle of give and take. The love you give out is the love you get. So just be kind and be as brave as you can. It's so hard yet so simple.

I'm not sure if I had any kind of point but I think love feels safe and makes you brave and kind. I am kinder to people because of the love I have received and that makes me want to give out love in return. I think allowing yourself to be loved is also such an underrated skill, I'm still working on it. I think I just have to find my way back (an ongoing cycle), I hope you do too, or let yourself at least.

I think love feels like hope and when you're loved you feel hopeful, it's not for the weak.

I think that's it for today.

It's late and there's some old bollywood music (yes ofc the song is about romance) playing and it feels like summer and I should go sleep. A luxury of peace has set in recently, not sure how long it will last, but I'll take the little things.

Until the next time,

All the love,

Almas xx