keep it together pt.3

it's cold. god, it's so cold, i'm freezing, my sweater isn't doing much at this point. I'm not in the best mood right now. it's not just one emotion that I can put my finger on. it's just a lot and it's overwhelming. I'm tired, I haven't had the best of weeks and it's literally been two days.

I've been so caught up in my head, in my feelings, I just need some sort of relief, something that just numbs things a little. I'm just on the edge and we also have tests literally everyday, and exams in a couple weeks, exams that decide a lot. life really is freakin great. i hate it.

honestly I just want to meet my friends, what even was this summer lmao nothing happened, it was just crap. i have nothing nice to write about I'm sorry, this is a downer.

i'm just miserable. so miserable that I eventually decided to do something about it. so I created a routine, decided to be healthier or tried to.

it's like playing a video game. when you suck and you're stuck, you close the game and you start a new game.

some people dive into the unknown and they find what they want. some people dive into the unknown and they get lost in it for so long that it stops being an unknown. and they are still as miserable as before.

it's interesting how the feeling of nothingness can do to you. everything means nothing. nothing means anything.

one thing I believe in is that if you keep going on through a series of trial and error, you will eventually find what you are looking for. some other times, I ask myself if one can have enough life in them to go through the whole process.

i just feel so lost right now, nothing really makes sense and it all feels like a dream and not a good one, so a nightmare??? idk really but this helps a little, i suppose. but i just hope something happens, something good, i just need something good. i'm so so tired lol, i could sleep for days.

on the flip side here's something i wrote a few days back as a reminder for myself, clearly, it's not doing anything for me right now, everything sucks but this could help anyone, someone. i hope it does. it's kinda dramatic but yk what in this moment i'm done being angry and bitter. i'm gonna do better. I'm trying to become a better person before I die and being angry and bitter is wasting my time. I am here for a limited time, not gonna spend that being mad at people. Carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your life extraordinary. i love that line. i love that movie.

I think that the calmest feeling of all is in the belief that despite every sad and depressing thing that happens in your life, you still have hope that it’s filled with purpose and love. You can fail a thousand times and still have the strength in your heart that trying in itself is an act of bravery. You can be in a situation where it’s easy to let yourself be controlled by anger, hate, and bitterness and still have the persistence to be driven by kindness, warmth, and light. You can fall into the pits of despair, misery, and doom and still have fresh air singing in your lungs, tender blood flowing through your veins and the sun every morning that reminds your mind that there will always be forgiveness in the dawn for you to start over again no matter how many nights it rains. For you are the offspring of peace. For you are alive and are in the right to put yourself at ease. For you have the gift of rising each and every day.

anyway i'm tired,

so i hope you're okay, everything sucks rn but yk it might get better soon, i hope it does, all the love,

k.c