keep it together pt.2

“We’ll call more often, yes absolutely”

Yes we said that again knowing it won't last, not new anymore really but can you blame anyone, we’re all trying. I think everyone is just exhausted at this point, tired of staring at a screen seeking some sort of a connection with someone. Aristotle really wasn’t kidding when he said people need people. I had this conversation once with my counselor about how he was horribly wrong and i believed that we didn’t need someone, just ourselves and she spent a good half an hour probing my mind and it ended with me saying, “okay maybe he wasn’t completely wrong.”

It’s been nine months since that conversation, and here I am writing this because I am in a horrible state of despair all because I really want a hug from someone who isn’t my family, I really just want a friend, people talk a lot about wanting romance but that’s not what I crave, I think I crave more platonic relations. I think I like something more constant, now I am not saying romantic relations don’t last or anything but it is not necessarily something I really want, that could really also be my major fear of commitment speaking, there’s none of that in friendships. Now back to what I was saying, I really just want to meet them, hug them, and just sit and talk. My point is I just want my people with me, I want to feel safe, understood that’s really it.

We’re all quite literally touch starved and a lot of people don’t even have that emotional connection with people which I luckily enough am privileged enough to have.

Love somebody is playing right now on a loop, not sure how many times it’s played now but it just makes me feel comforted. Things go wrong, we reach rock bottom, we’re human, we mess up, we learn. I think I’m really scared of hurting people, it terrifies me, that I could possibly hurt someone. I’m a very sensitive person even though I have this whole I pretend act. Emotions scare me because I can’t control those, it’s sort of the only thing I can’t control, but then you can control anything if you try enough so there’s that. Yes I’m contradicting myself.

I’ve been called calm, collected and controlled. I assure you I’m none of those. I’m not calm, I have so much anger inside me and I could unleash it at any given moment at anyone but I don’t know how. I’m not collected, I’m a mess internally and to quite an extent externally too. I don’t know what I feel and why, I spend a lot of time analysing every little thing I feel and every thought, it drives me insane sometimes.

I’m not controlled, i pretend to be in control because how much I’ve not been in control before. I crave control. I need the control, which I am struggling to grasp, it’s a lost sense of fractured reality that I crave. I have a lot of bitterness that is rooted deep within me, resentment that is a culprit of my childhood, if I could I would go back and change everything. I don’t want this reality to be the way it is.

But I am here now, I never thought I would ever make it here. I’ve come much further than I planned for, so forgive me for being a little lost. I have so much buried within me, I have so much to let go and unleash but it wouldn’t change anything so I don’t really ever bother. It would change nothing, why bother?

I’m sorry for this being such a downer but I can’t find anything good to write about now, I just feel nothing but my void and it’s exhausting and this like spilling some of my void onto something that hurts nobody, or doesn’t burden anyone. Everyone’s struggling right now, I get it, I hope the pain eases soon.

all the love,

k.c