keep it together anyway.

today is Sunday. I have been sitting on my bed in my room staring into space and I am borderline going insane. so I thought this is a crappy enough moment to post about.

today is one of those days where everything is boring as hell. i have nothing to say to people so I'm not texting anyone, I like the isolation. I feel a little burned out after staying up for far too long now, so I am trying to take a little break, which can only last for this evening but it's okay, it's something. my eyes hurt probably from staring at too much screen the past weeks. i'm tired.

mindlessly scrolling is not going to stimulate me today. there's literally nothing stimulating going on today. I need something to happen. I need to look forward to something. I want to say that it's fine but I am not feeling very fine. I guess it's just one of those days.

I tried to read a book. I fell asleep. the book isn't pretty intellectually heavy yet I am not progressing very well. I have to stop and pause every few minutes to process what I've read. because if I don't, I just end up skimming through words that doesn't really mean anything and eventually I'd just fall asleep again.

I like to read. or I used to, I think. but I've fallen out of the reading habit so much that it makes me so restless trying to sit still and read something. 

it's actually not a bad day today. I'm just having a bad day. i want it to rain, i want the world around me to cool a bit. I actually do like days like this if I wasn't so restless and borderline going insane.

I know what I need to do is to find the calm in myself and try to redirect myself towards it. but it's also just so much easier to look for stimulation. not that I am finding any today, so I'm just hovering between the both.

murphy's law of string theory, you know how sometimes one thing doesn't go well, and because of that it leads to another thing not going well, and then another, and another? this is what I'm feeling right now, it's just exhausting. my only proper social media is this friend who calls me every day,it's nice. there's people who actually remember me, sometimes i don't remember me. like wow? it's sort of the only routine i have that keeps me from not going completely insane. 

sometimes I wonder if it's better to have life with ups and downs, or if it's better to have somewhat of a constant straight line so you just feel chill throughout. I want to say ups and downs, but it's the down days like this that feels like trash. 

for some reason, writing this out helps me a little. i'm not sure how many of you can even remotely relate or maybe a bunch of you do. i don't know but usually if someone texted me I would listen but that is so tiring, like i like talking to people but i'm just tired. there's this void inside me, and I'm doing all these things to help and nothing really does. everything is just a momentarily relief. there's not much wrong, everything hurts and i'm tired.

i don't want to be fixed, i want to be angry or even just sad, i just want to feel something. i've decided water is an emotion and it washes over me like this hopelessness does. now the water in the shower burns more than it soothes.

if you're reading this, I hope you are having a better day than me if not that's okay, we'll struggle together. I'm fine. or I will be anyway. i hope you all call someone or do something that makes you feel.

all the love.

k.c