give up on us

i've been in my gazebo the whole day. i watched this very lustreless day go from morning to afternoon to well evening now. it's been a dark day and it's raining heavily outside pretty much the whole day. I can clearly hear the rain there's a lot of windows in this place, lots of glass. the upside to it is that it's pretty cold I don't need a fan but it's a little loud sometimes.

I basically spent my whole day doing economics, well trying to figure out some numericals and I still have a long way to go but I needed a break so here I am, writing to no one in particular.

I've always had a very mercurial state of mood. I could be ecstatic one moment and completely under the weather and it's definitely something I struggle with and honestly, the last few weeks have been a horrible rollercoaster of emotion. every little thing seems like a big deal and for someone who usually doesn't care about anything, it's pretty stressful.

The other day I was thinking about how there are a lot of things I do for people only because I love them. The only reason I deal with a lot of people is because I adore them. I think it's really important to understand and be patient, but there's a fine line between understanding and being a pushover. I got into a fight with someone close to me recently and it made me think about a lot of things.

Do you ever truly know someone? why is attachment such a significant thing in life? am I content or have I just settled? how much do I truly deserve and am I getting what I should be getting? is the effort that I am putting in being reciprocated? am I wasting my time? I think everyone should have a look at their relationships with everyone around them and consider this. One question that really hit me was what would any of us do without love, what would the world be if love didn't exist?

honestly, it's a pretty funny thing to imagine, would we be like robots? books, movies and music would probably not have a lot of meaning, cause the center of a lot of things in our world is just love. i asked a couple of my friends about it and well they said people would be selfish, cold, callous, lonely, a lot of similar things. someone said life would be seemingly pointless and people would be more obsessed with money than they already are. as I'm writing this I probably just ruined my friendship with someone well cause sometimes we as individuals become selfish, cold, callous (HAHA see what I did there) it's not intentional, we just forget patience and understanding sometimes.

It's not something I'm used to seeing and therefore even though I try to be better than I have been taught it's really goddamn hard like really hard to break out of things you've been taught your whole life. I thought I was past that and better but I guess I'm not, I still make mistakes, it's a human thing to do.

Life would seem pretty meaningless if love didn't exist but it would be a lot easier. So there's that. Love is freakin hard, breaking out of patterns is hard, pretty much everything in life is pretty hard I guess. and then you realise that most people are just sucking it up. because that's what they are told. and the scariest thing is – the older they get, the more they just sort of give up trying and accept whatever it is the well known 'it is what it is'. because "it's not so bad ig".

life becomes an accumulation of bank balances. sacrificing experiences to stay ahead of the competition. petty comparisons behind backs to see who's got it better. despite you knowing that deep down, none of it really matters.

I have questions. many things I don't really have an answer for. but I have them anyway because it is natural to question something you feel doesn't really make sense to you. some you might never find an answer for. but I don't think it's a bad thing to be aware of it.

it has now been over an hour since I started writing this. what was meant to be me just sharing my rainy day musings has now ended up in me diving down the tunnel of my existential thoughts. it has been a fun ride, but I think I'm going to stop now, I need to go salvage whatever there is left to a very fragmented relationship now or maybe not, I'm not sure what to do so let's see what happens, fingers crossed we figure things out and I stop being a douchebag.

So I'm going to go and I guess try to be more understanding when I'm angry, be more patient, and just learn when to stop. hopefully not be as petty as I have been. I hope today has been a little kinder to you than it has to me. hopefully, we survive this shitshow, not a very fancy word but I like it, very fitting to everything happening in my life right now, maybe even yours.

all the love,

k.c