eudaimonia

"Eudaimonia is a Greek word commonly translated as 'happiness' or 'welfare'; however, more accurate translations have been proposed to be 'human flourishing, prosperity' and 'blessedness'."

Happy October! It's my favourite month, not because of my birthday but the air, there is an excitement. Everything in October seems more romanticised than any other month, the rain, the hot drinks, the way you dress, everything is cozy and I love it. I hope something wonderful and unexpected happens to you, anything seems possible to me in this month.

I haven't been writing much. I've been feeling way too eh to write much. I've been trying to figure things out, finding ways to cope. Sometimes it all gets too much, too happy, too sad, too lonely. You get my point.

I still am working on it don't have a lot figured out yet, I'm trying to know myself better, understand what I feel, the good and bad, learn more, educate myself on everything happening. I'm trying to be more private, spend more time by myself which is funny for someone so introverted. I honestly talk to like three people on a regular basis? Anything more leaves me feeling absolutely drained. I'm trying to find a routine again.

I know I've been repeating this very often but 2020 is a rough year, both physically and emotionally. It's a lot and if you need a breather, you're allowed to.

You don't owe anyone a future, or anything really at all. Not even a text really, nothing. Sometimes things happen, good things can happen without the promise of a future and that's okay. A lot of happiness stems from managing expectations and that's very important. We obsess, wait, stalk, and when we find out something we didn't want/expect we're crushed, and it sucks but things happen, good and bad, yeah your life crashes and burns but you can get move on, all you have to do is get through it. This is something I learned a while ago and it really helps me get through things, just survive.

I feel like at some point everything has to crash and burn. it has to fall apart, it has to. Anything good for too long feels too good to be true. I'm used to watching flames and feeling the heat of it on my skin. I have yet to unlearn how to not instinctively look for the pieces that fell apart, it's what I've known, it's sort of who I am. I'm not saying I wait for a breakdown to happen, it's not like I look for endings, a goodbye after a hello, it is what happens. So I just accept happiness as it comes, I ignore the feeling of wrongness, the anticipation of the falling. I enjoy what happens as long as it lasts, even if it lasts longer than I thought, I just let it surprise me and I accept that. Be here now, live in the moment without waiting for the end. Yes, I'm ready for the fire but I'm here now, and if it doesn't come and I will find my peace in what it is and the absence of it.

Sometimes change is everything.

This is rock bottom, things can't get any worse so the upside of falling is you can always get back up, I promise.

I need to get my stuff together, I've been saying I'm trying to do better but honestly, I haven't, but I will start now. I have to, I don't want to feel this way, everything ends eventually, this will too. I am just so over the feeling of being depleted. I just want to live life before I'm dead.

I don't know what that means though. I'm trying to find out.

There's a lot in my mind that I want to talk about. and that's just the kind of person I usually am. I try to confront everything as openly as I can, write it down, make lists, it's a whole process, and then just deal with whatever is out there. It's not perfect, but it works. it's how I find easiest to cope. by talking or writing and thinking a lot, a lot about everything.

We all have a lot of thoughts floating in our head, and sometimes we think that the things we think about are the things that we want? I don't know if that is true for you, but it isn't for me. I don't know what I want. I just think about a lot of things, just because I have a concept about something doesn't mean that I actually want it. Sometimes I think I want something but I don't think I really want it, does that make sense?

I don't know what I want, but this it helps me to process things. I talk about so many things because I think about so many things. I feel like it's a really complex situation and I can't even comprehend a fraction of the things going on in my head. it really does feel like a hurricane of mixed feelings towards literally everything sometimes. I like talking about it. it's funny but I do feel like I learn more about myself by talking about myself. 

anyway. I'm trying to get back into a routine. and I thought I'd just write a quick post. I need to do better because I deserve better than I give myself. I need to do better. and maybe that sounds like me giving pressure to myself. and maybe it is but honestly if I don't pick myself up, who will???

alright. quick rant over.I could use some validation ngl I think it'll make me feel like people relate and I'm not alone in this struggle? or tell me what you don't like about it and how I can do better, is there something you want me to try and write or just do something? I'm trying to do better and I could use some help.

okay thank you for reading and don't forget to drink your coffee and watch the sky for some time.

I wrote about free falling and rock bottom before I think? I feel like I have a funny prediction about my life sometimes because now I think I've hit it and it's time to start climbing again. I hope you're doing well, I adore you for going through this rant of mine, it's appreciated.

song for today: Young & Alive - bazzi

until next time, all the love,

k.c